Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
