mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
wanna go halves on a baby?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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