and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You pole danced in your parka.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
