If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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