I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
