thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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