Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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