I accidentally had phone sex last night
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
