im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
