I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
