Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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