We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
