is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
