Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
