And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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