I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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