well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
