Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
