just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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