she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
