Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
