watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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