she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
