bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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