you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
