I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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