Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think a kid would responsible me up
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
