apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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