My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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