He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
