everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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