so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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