I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
