i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Hippo gnu deer
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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