DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
