Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize