I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
