She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
