So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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