Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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