As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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