i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
