I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
