Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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