Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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