So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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