i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
