I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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