I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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