He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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