just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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