Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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