life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
