If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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