my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
