If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
