Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
