Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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