rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
